Mira

I remember my first time like it was yesterday. It was back in December of 2009. I was 15 and the person i was with was 17. We were only together for about 2 months, but i known him for about 2-3 years so i was sure i could trust him. I've always been the type of girl who believes your first time should be with someone you truly love, and special. But it all happened so fast.

My best friend came to pick me up to take me to my boyfriend's house. Her significant other was also there. We started out watching a movie in his living room with all the lights off, like a regular movie night. Then it slowly turned into way more then i planned. My best friends boyfriend took off his shirt and they cuddled on the floor under some blankets. Here i am, the youngest of them all with no way out. My boyfriend then picked me up and carried me to his room. He laid me on his bed and turned the lights off and began to kiss me. He took off my jeans, then the rest of my clothes and began to go down on me. It wasn't long, i could tell he just did it to make it seem like he cared, but now i realize he didn’t, he just wanted to please himself more then anything.

After he went down on me he quickly removed all of his clothes and put on a condom. Still i lay there, stiff, speechless. In my head I'm nervous and afraid and was NOT at all ready. But i couldn’t speak a word, i just went along with it all, trusting him fully. He at least tried to lighten up my nerves, he jokingly said "assume the position" as he was about to enter me. I tensed up, resisting him inside, but then i gave in and was about to let him enter. So many thoughts running through my head, how it was too soon, i wasn't ready. I looked out the window and closed my eyes bracing myself for any pain. As he went inside i felt slight pain and pinching. I felt nothing extremely good, just thrusting. It lasted about 20 minutes. His mom came home and we all left. A week after we had sex again, but still nothing mind blowing. Then the problems occur.

Near the end of December he told me he wanted to take a break because he heard "rumors". Which i believed like an idiot. There were no rumors, he just wanted the fastest way out without it being obvious. He told me he didn’t want to break up because he needed me. So we didn’t talk a few weeks, when he finally talked to me he said we need to break up until he trusted me again. Months passed and nothing. Even after all that reassuring me we'd get back together, nothing. And there she was, another girl he was talking to...

Fast forward to now. He led me on from December all through July. It was ridiculous. He's still with the same girl and they're engaged and have a baby on the way. I don’t talk to him anymore at all, but i will never forget all what he put me through. He ruined my plans for a first time for me, and also my future. I wanted to lose it to someone i'd be with a lifetime. I've met and been with a great guy for over a year now. Now im 17 and my current boyfriend is 19 and he's the one who's been here for me, he's the one who deserved to be my first. He is truly amazing and he deserved my virginity. I honestly know and feel this is the guy I'll be with all my life, and become my future husband. But because of my mistake and not speaking up, i feel like i have nothing special to give him. Even though i was young and didn’t know better, i'll always blame myself. And even though it's been over a year ago, i'll never forget those months of pain and regret.